Australia is a wonderful, beautiful island continent home to a peaceful, happy, and loving people… that Mother Nature hates so much she can taste stabbing.
You can say Octopuses or Octopodes all you want; if it’s good enough for The Beatles, it’s good enough for Cracked.
Just The Facts
- Australia is the largest island nation in the world, straddling the border of the Pacific and Indian Ocean.
- It has a rich and exotic ecosystem supporting fantastic flora and fauna…all of which were unfortunately eaten by the monsters that live there.
- Its primary spoken language is screaming.
From the Abyss It Is Birthed
Back in the 1770s the British Empire discovered Australia and, after finding it generally unfit for human habitation, proceeded to send all of their criminals and generally unwanted peasants there…because basic human empathy was not to be invented until the year 1821.
After somehow managing to survive on Monster Island for over a century, it was considered only fair to grant the Australian citizens their freedom and on January 1st, 1901, Australia gained federation of its colonies, and The Commonwealth of Australia was born.
Things in Australia that Will Kill You
Everything. No, seriously: Everything.
First there’s the wildlife: If something appears to be cute and harmless in Australia, then we promise you – it has only evolved that way to lure you close enough for the thousands of ravenous, prehensile blade-tongues to descended upon you.
Then there’s the Geography: Consisting mostly of arid, dry desert, (populated by over 100 venomous species of snake,) the harsh local climate is peppered with small, livable areas presumably just to lull human beings into a false sense of security.
Ah, but the tropical beaches, you say! Surely the paradise on Earth that is the Australian beach makes up for an entire continent of biological weapons. And it’s true: Australia is known for having some of the best beaches in the world…all you have to worry about are the Saltwater Crocs, Great White Sharks, poisonous Stonefish, or being stung by the Box Jellyfish: The deadliest and most painful sting of any Jellyfish species in the world.
Your best bet is just to stay in the city then, right? Enjoy the local culture; go visit the capital of Canberra, or visit beautiful Sydney and see the wonder of the Opera house. And that’s totally safe: Just remember to wear protective clothing, stay in well travelled areas, always know the nearest path to a hospital, and just generally try not to exist – because Australia is also home to over 280 species of poisonous spider, including that aforementioned Sydney Funnel Web Spider. What, did you think it was just a name? No, it lives in cities, in garages, in tool sheds and houses – it even swims. IT FUCKING SWIMS.
Seriously: Everything in Australia evolved solely to kill everything else in Australia – and you show up with your soft, unarmored skin, tiny, rounded teeth, and ridiculously non-poisonous spit and expect a vacation?
You just walked into Mother Nature’s Thunderdome, friend. And in this analogy, you’re not Max; you’re the dead retard.
Things in Australia that Will Not Kill You
Hugh Jackman seems nice.